Yesterday I received a question from a non-real life bloggy friend. She wondered if it was weird for her to ask a serious question to a person you've never actually met but feel like you know via bloggy world. And my answer, without a doubt is nope. Not weird at all. I love blog questions. Makes me feel like someone is actually listening to what I'm saying...which is a good portion of the reason I blog. Because in my real life, it can often feel like no one is paying attention. :)
Before I get to the question, I'm gonna put a disclaimer on this post. I hate disclaimers, they somehow seem like an apology for whatever is being said in order to not offend anyone in the slightest. But sometimes they are necessary...as with every other single thing ever written on this blog, this is just my personal story. I without a doubt, believe that God's plan for everyone's family size is completely different. And the journey He takes them on, and what He asks of them is each unique. There's no simple 3-step formula for everyone.
Finally...question - Did you know that you knew that you knew that you wanted another baby?
In Short: No.
The truth is, the closer I grow to Christ, the less confident I am in what I want. This drives me crazy, but it is actually a very, very good thing. There have been many things that I was certain I wanted at one time, only to completely change my mind later. And on the flip side, there were certain things I never wanted, that have turned out to have been the desire of my heart after all.
That sounds neat and tidy, doesn't it? I wish it were that simple. But the road to that conclusion was not easy...is not easy.
About a year and a half ago Ben and I began to struggle with what it meant, for us, to give control over to God regarding the size of our family. For quite awhile we'd had a peace about how we were going about things...and then...the feeling of unrest settled in. We weighed the options.
The problem, for me especially...because I have control-freak tendency, was that all the options made me feel like I was the one in control, when I really just wanted God to make the decision.
In my head, these were the options:
- Decide if we are done having kids or not. If we are done, then someone should get fixed. When? Who? (Some finger pointing went on here ;)
- Do we just go about our current method which was trying to prevent, while yet still leaving an option open for God to do what He wants?
- Do we do nothing to prevent? There was a joke going around when Ben was in seminary, because everyone was having babies. What do you call a husband and wife who do not use birth control? Answer: Parents. And by my experience, that was TRUE. So, for me, not using anything meant trying...which meant I still felt like I was taking the decision into my own hands.
I begged God to JUST PICK AN OPTION and then let me know which one He'd like. I asked friends about their journey. Each story was unique and it helped to know that others were in the same struggle...whether they already had 1,2, or 10 kids.
Have I mentioned I don't like uncertainty? I want things decided. It wasn't until I surrendered to the fact that it wasn't going to be decided that the peace started to come. I had thought the lesson for me was to find out what option was best, when in reality the lesson was for Ben and I to surrender to uncertainty.
This was a hard lesson for me. And really, I'd like to leave the rest of the story and details out. Sharing parts of my life, and keeping it real come pretty easily for me. But, you may notice that often I talk in more general terms...leaving details out protects me and those around me. I can keep it real and still keep a sense of privacy. It works well for me. But I know on this topic, God has brought me on this journey for a reason, and I'm gonna share the rest of it with you...
Tomorrow. Because I've reached my self imposed blog length limit for the day.
Details. Because in this case, God is glorified in the details.