It happens occasionally...I awaken from a deep sleep with an overwhelming sense of fear and hoplessness. It usually involves those life circumstances that I struggle to hand over, to relinquish to my Savior...to believe He can do anything in.
It's a spiritual battle. I know it is. The Bible tells me it is.
Last night it happened again. And I found myself praying fervently, in the darkness. Replacing fears with truth. Truth that nothing, nothing is too big for God to handle. No circumstance, relationship, financial situation, etc is beyond His reach. And in the darkness, as I claimed those truths (for the millionth time) His peace replaced the chest crushing hopelessness...and sleep came quickly.
But the battle doesn't end. I awoke early to...
- My husband letting me know the furnace had stopped working sometime in the middle of the night, he'd talked to a good friend and something must be wrong with the gas line. Ben heads off to work.
- I wake up and find that school has a 2 hour delay because of fog (also learn that it's the 6th day in a row without sunshine)
- Call the gas company and they send someone out.
- Teenager comes down stairs ready for school, not knowing that it's a late start. Not happy.
- Two day care kiddos arrive.
- Gas guy comes...gas is not the problem.
- Call friend who can fix the furnace.
- A dear friend calls, a tragic situation has happened in her family that lives far away. My heart hurts for her...
- Load 5 kids up in order to take 2 to school. Buckle everyone in. Gripe under my breath about the cold.
- On the way to school, someone drives right through the yield sign without ever looking...it wasn't super close, but close enough to make my heart pound.
- Get back home unload 2 preschoolers and a 7 month old. Walk into the house to have teenager tell me their ride to school over slept. Load preschoolers and baby back in the van, pick up teenagers friend, and take to highschool.
- Someone calls and needs a babysitter, I say no...which makes me feel bad for not helping.
- Friend comes and takes 5 minutes and furnace is fixed.
- Feed kids lunch, delay nap of 7 month old because...
- in 30 minutes I would need to load 3 kids up again to take one to preschool.
- My head hurts, my back hurts, my pregnant self is tired, my patience is tested...
But in reality, this is an average ordinary day. Sure, some stuff's been a little extra annoying...but nothing too far from the average day. It's life.
And then the realization hits me. It's not the big life-altering situations that bring me to my breaking point.
It's the tiny little ones. The every-day-ordinary ones. The freezing weather, the dishwasher not getting loaded/unloaded, whining, piles, my cell phone that never stops ringing, on and on and on. Nothing significant...until you put it all together.
I know what I should do. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Knowing is generally not the problem for me...it's the doing.
Looking at the daily craziness of life as a blessing, rather than a huge pain. Some days it's easier to do that...but I want to get to the point where I choose quickly to see the "inconveniences" of life as opportunities instead.
I'm a long way from that point. God has some work to do...I have some yielding to do.
How about you? What brings you to your breaking point?